Enough

Do you remember?
The first time?
How your heart beat so hard
You thought it would burst
Your voice was shaking
And still you spoke?

The first time

Remember how it felt
After you had tried so hard
For so long
After you said all the right things
In the right way
After you smiled so much
You forgot how not to
After you had been so willing to compromise
And, naively, thought they would too

Remember how stupid you felt
When you relised you were wrong
You felt betrayed
You were betrayed
And you felt so disoriented
By the lies told with smiles and straight faces
The lies told with so much sincerity
You’d start doubting your own memories
Because it would be absurd to lie
About something so obvious
So it couldn’t have happened

It was then you learned about power
And the way it can bend truth
And no matter how hard you tried
You couldn’t unbend it
Remember how lost you felt
When you realised
That no matter how polite you were
And how much you smiled
The truth you thought would protect you
Was lost

And so you stopped
You stopped trying to appease
Those who would only
Take your complicity as liscence
You stopped trying to fix what couldn’t be fixed
And you pushed back

Remember how scared you were
How scared you were
How scared you were
Remember how you spoke through your fear
Your heart raced
And your voice shook
And you couldn’t find the right words
But the wrong words
Were better than none

The second time was easier
And the third easier still
Because even when you failed
You won

Remember how you came to cherish
The liberation of the scrowl

Remember the simple satisfaction
Of disturbing the order
Of being sand in the gears
Of returning a smile
With a blank stare
Of not pretending to be ok
Remember the surprise
Of rediscovering yourself

Remember the joy of reaslising you were not alone
That the more you stood your ground
The more solid it became
That the truth that you thought you’d lost
Could be nursed back to health
With a collective memory

And now

Your voice still shakes
But you have learned to speak through the tears
And found you voice clearer on the other side
You still feel like your heart will explode
But you know that it’s grown stronger
For having been broken so often
And be proud
That you are willing to have your heart broken again.

And remember that you may yet fall prey to despair
Because your hope is your weakness
As well as your strength
And there may be a point where you give up
And if you do I hope you can forgive yourself

Remember that you might yet fail
But maybe you won’t
And that is enough.

Grace Krause, Cardiff 30.06.2019